What Not to Say to a Parent of a Child With a Speech Delay

Being a parent is filled with anticipation–anticipation for your child to stand on their own, take their first steps, and utter their first words. Yet, for about one-quarter of all children, those first words fail to come, or worse, they come and then quickly disappear.

Lack of speech development in a child is frustrating for both parents and children. Having thoughts and desires that can’t be expressed can lead to temper tantrums, violence in the form of hitting and biting, and self-harm. It’s not pretty. So, when someone from the outside tries to give struggling parents reasons for their child’s speech delay, it can feel like the blame is being laid on the parents or the child, which is insensitive and wrong.

Here is a short list of things to never say to a parent of a child with a speech delay.

Talk to your child more.

How did you know I stuff my child in the closet with earmuffs on when no one’s around? That must be why he’s not speaking yet. Why didn’t I think of that? To assume a parent doesn’t speak to their child is horrible, and they’re terrible people for even thinking such a thing.

You need to read to them.

I often wonder about this comment. Millions of people can’t read and write, and they speak just fine. The bigger point, so do their kids. I get that pointing out objects and relaying their names to one’s child helps build vocabulary, but to tell a parent that reading more to their child will fix their little one’s speech delay is maddening and incorrect. My child has a bigger library than I do, and I’m a librarian.

Anything anecdotal.

“My friend taught her son/daughter to sign, and they didn’t talk until they were three,” said an unhelpful parent to me more than once. There is no proof that teaching your child to sign before they possess the ability to speak causes speech delays. There’s more research that states teaching children to sign before they can talk raises their IQ as well as bolsters their cognitive abilities. If you don’t have a peer-reviewed study to back up your claim, please keep it to yourself.

It’s because you and his siblings talk for him, so he never gets to practice.

I love how strangers think they know what goes on in my home. Maybe I should be paranoid about people watching me on my webcam when it’s not switched on. Apparently, they know how I finish all of my child’s sentences for him, so he never gets a chance to speak for himself.

Boys talk later than girls.

Communication for boys may indeed come more slowly than it does for girls. But that doesn’t mean boys wait six months or a year longer to start talking. Boys reach speech milestones at the same time girls do. To say that someone’s toddler isn’t talking yet because they’re a boy can give parents a false sense of security when they should be seeking out speech therapy.

It’s because they’re bilingual.

ENHHH! Wrong again! Thanks for playing. Much like children who are taught to sign, kids who have two or more native languages process speech at the same rate as monolingual children. Much like teaching your child to sign, bilingualism can make children better learners later in life.

Instead of spouting off some misconception you heard at your gym about speech delays when hanging out with a parent of a speech-delayed child, try to be empathetic towards their situation. How would you feel if your child was unable to process language the way it seems to come naturally to other kids? Be understanding and patient if your child lashes out at a playdate because they can’t make themselves understood. If you spend regular amounts of time with a speech-delayed child who knows sign language as a means of communication, learn a few signs yourself. Trust me, when a parent of a speech-delayed child knows you took the time to try to communicate with their kid, they will know you are a true friend.

Author’s Note

My son didn’t speak until nearly three and a half, and even then, it was like trying to pull a mule up an erupting volcano. For all the “helpful” and “be a better parent” innuendos, it turned out that my son did have a significant speech delay and needed interventions. Part of this delay is attributed to an articulation issue with his tongue. He also has trouble processing verbal directions and it can take him nearly a minute to respond. The articulation issues are linked to his sensory processing disorder which is linked to autism and ADHD, both of which affect him socially.

My kiddo is now ten and has made leaps and bounds toward his communication goals, or rather, our goals. If it takes a village to raise a neurotypical child, it takes a village and then some to have a non-neurotypical child thrive. He still goes to speech therapy twice a week along with social groups to help him regulate his emotions. Communication is hard for the most well-adapted of us. Now try doing that when you don’t get vocal nuisance, turn or phrases, or facial expressions. Life doesn’t need to be that hard.

If you suspect a developmental delay with your child, know that you are not alone. There are millions of families out there in the trenches with you. Please talk to your doctor about your concerns. Hopefully, it will turn out to be nothing, but there is a real reason for concern, it is your job as their parent to advocate for them. There is no shame in having a child who needs help and services.